Falling On Purpose
by Sepik
Summary: Tao of Rodney' spoilers. One shot. Sometimes people can come back, and sometimes they don't want to. Rodney has to make that choice.


Falling On Purpose

Disclaimer: _fan_fiction

Author's Note: Well. It's 3:20 AM, and I've written this. I was inspired by Tao of Rodney, which I've watched twice today. It's now one of my all time favorite episodes of Stargate Atlantis. This is unbetaed, and feels kind of OOC. I might end up taking it off. Tell me what you think, even if that means a flame. Thanks and enjoy! (hopefully) Oh, and even though this is a crossover, I'm putting it in the Stargate Atlantis section because it's more geared towards the SGA 'verse than the SG1 'verse.

.oO0Oo.

"No!" John shouted at the screen. He pounded his fist on the control panel, barely missing a keyboard. The screen was blank, only showing the snow of a cut off message.

"There's got to be a way to beam him out! You have to! Figure it out no-"

Outside, below on the planet, a huge explosion suddenly turned the air red, vaporizing almost everything on the surface. The Daedalus shook, but its shields kept the ship from being blown apart by the shock wave.

There was a sickening silence that resounded throughout the bridge. No one dared to talk.

"No..." He said more quietly this time. John sank down to his knees, and stared at the floor.

This was it. No one could survive something like it. There was no way he might be unconscious among debris. There was no way he could have escaped. There was no way he could have been shielded. The last image John would ever have of Rodney was a panicked expression, telling him words that he would never forget. A question.

"I'm going to die this time, aren't I?"

And John just stared at the floor.

.oO0Oo.

Daniel took off his glasses, and massaged the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. He felt weary, more weary than the good night's sleep from the night before and the warm cup of coffee on his desk should have left him. He pushed the mission report away from him, and felt the urge to just throw it away. So it had finally happened. Rodney McKay had died.

But that couldn't be it, right? Daniel didn't feel as if it was the end for the man. Every week for over a year he had been waiting for the mission reports that reminded him much of his own with SG1. They were parallel people, with parallel teams, with parallel 'undefeatable' enemies. McKay was an ass, but Daniel didn't care. He was an ass who saved peoples' lives every day, and that had to count for something.

Daniel pushed his chair back, and stood up. He traversed through the nearly empty halls of the SGC. It was the early hours of the morning, or the late hours of the night, depending on how you looked at it. A skeleton crew ran the base at these hours, but there _were_ people out. Daniel ran into barely anyone, but many of the night personnel expected to see Daniel. He had been staying late ever sense day one. The few people who he did run into smiled at him in the halls, and Daniel was sure that not many people were smiling in Atlantis.

It felt unfinished, this business of death. Some nagging suspicion in Daniel's mind formed an idea, then an assumption, and that was why he walked to the control room. There were only two techs there, two that knew Daniel well by seeing them almost every day.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Doctor Jackson?" Walter asked, staring at the man with a little suspicion.

"No, not really. But... do you mind if I have some time alone? Just, with the gate?"

The two techs looked at Daniel quizzically, and could see the pain behind his eyes.

"But, um, we can't leave our post..." Walter said, and it felt like a lame excuse when someone with the presence of Daniel stood in front of him.

" I just... I'll make sure the Stargate doesn't get beamed out if that's what you're worried about. Just for a few minutes? Go get yourself some coffee or something."

The two techs looked like they needed more convincing.

"Please?"

Walter stood up, and the other tech followed his lead. They mumbled two odd sounding 'okays' and lumbered out of the room, leaving Daniel facing the gate.

"You know... I _can _sense you, in case you hadn't figured that out by now."

The air next to Daniel shimmered, and then glowed for a second. Daniel didn't even feel the least bit of uprise when Rodney appeared right beside him. Rodney still wore his black mission BDUs, the computer tablet velcroed to him, gun still in its holster. Neither man bothered to look at the other, and instead continued to stare at the Stargate.

"You know..." Rodney started. His voice trailed off, as if chocked up by emotion. When he continued to talk, it was emotionless. "When I first saw this gate, I didn't know it would be the cause of all of," He gestured in the air towards everything, "This. I didn't know it could cause so much _stuff_ to happen."

Daniel raised an eyebrow, much like Teal'c, and turned to face Rodney, who still stared at the gate.

"Don't tell me you're starting to complain. And don't you dare tell me you regret going to Atlantis."

"No! Of course not," Rodney said instantly. "It's just..."

"What?"

"Why me? Why did this all have to happen to me?" Rodney, as usual, gestured everything with one wave of his right hand.

"Who knows? Maybe it's because you're the only one who could take it, who could handle it?"

"No. That's not it. There are plenty of other people, stronger than me, who could have done all I've done in my life, and more. You, Carter... Even my sister. Especially my sister. How is she, anyways?"

"Oh, she's fine. Sam was the one who went to see her, to break the news about your death. The last I heard she was sobbing into her husband's arms, so yeah, pretty great."

"You're patronizing me, aren't you?"

Daniel laughed bitterly, and got the feeling that this was going to be a long conversation.

"Ascension really doesn't suit you," He told Rodney.

Rodney turned away from the Stargate and looked at Daniel. The look was one of someone about to launch off into a rant, and Daniel held up his hand to stop it. Rodney seemed to reconsider what he was going to say.

"Oh, and I'm sure it suited you much better."

"Well, judging by the fact that I was dumped on a planet, naked, with my memory erased, much better."

"Oh harr harr, Oma must have really had a thing for you."

"God, you sound like Jack. Have you two been talking?"

Rodney didn't bother to respond and turned his attention back to the inactive Stargate. Daniel sighed.

"Why aren't you back at Atlantis, descended, bragging to everyone about how advanced you are?"

"Because I just... I don't now. It doesn't seem right, now that I've already gone and done it."

Daniel just shook his head. The two men stood in silence, and both waited for the other one to break the silence. It was Rodney's curiosity that did.

"How did you sense that I was here, anyways?"

"Oh, just something I can do ever sense I was descended. It just felt like you were here."

"Oh."

A beat in the conversation, and Daniel finally voiced another question.

"How the hell did you ascend, anyways? It seems like you increased your burden instead of releasing it. And why aren't the Ancients keeping you from talking to me?"

"Well, I'm not sure how I ascended. I just kind of realized 'this is it' and it happened. There was nothing to lose. It must have been because of that machine that gave me super-powers for a while. As to why this isn't counting as interfering, I have no idea. Maybe because I'm not actually doing anything. No one has even been there to guide me. I just kind of fumbled my way back here."

"And why not to Atlantis? Much closer."

"Yeah, it is."

"Why are you here, Rodney?"

The use of his first name seemed to get his attention, and he looked at Daniel again. Both pairs of eyes, full of pain, sadness, and epiphanies, met each other.

"...Elizabeth, she... She told me that she loved me. That they all loved me. I don't think I've ever had someone say that to me. Jeannie, maybe, but only her. Especially not my mother or father. No one's ever... cared, before. It was so strange hearing them say it out loud. None of them have ever said it out loud to me before."

Daniel groaned in frustration.

"Then why are you still _here_?"

"I don't know, okay!"

"You're scared, aren't you? Of losing them? So you figure, oh, if I stay this way, then nothing can happen. I'm already dead to them, and it's not like I can talk to them, anyways. So they can be dead to me, too, but without the guilt. Been there! But this isn't right, you have to go back!"

"I can't! Okay? I can't."

"Do you know what Sheppard did right after you died? I know people on the Daedalus, and they told me. He fell onto his knees, and wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't look at anyone. He didn't even protest when they led him to the infirmary and stuck sedatives into him. The doctors said he was in shock. He blames himself, and in this case, the alien base blowing up basically was his fault. All your friends... they're your family, now, and they're broken without you."

Rodney leaned his head against the glass, and at the same time didn't.

"Why did you come here?" Daniel asked him.

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you come back to the SGC? Why didn't you go to Atlantis, or the planet where you died, or even just where the Ancients are? Why did you come _here_ of all places."

"Because. This is where it all started. This is where I first started _living_."

"Then go back to your life."

"But what if I just lose it again? I don't think I can take that. Why should I even have to!"

"What do you think I fight so hard for every day? The Ori are going to come, and all they want to do is wipe us out. They want us dead. The Wraith want you dead, among many others. Life isn't worth it if you just wait around to die."

"But I'm already dead!"

"No, you're not. You're ascended. It must be frustrating. All the knowledge isn't in your head yet, is it?"

"No, it's not. They haven't asked me if I want to know it yet."

"They asked me. I said no."

"You remember?"

"Yes... but not much. But do you know what I remember the most?"

"What?"

"It was my own decision to come back."

Footsteps from outside alerted them to the fact that the two gatetechs were coming back. Rodney gave Daniel an odd look, and disappeared without warning. The unnatural fluorescent lights shone down onto Daniel as the two men walked in. Walter handed him a small glass of what looked like whisky.

"It looks like you could really use this, Doctor."

"... Thanks."

Daniel gripped the glass tightly, gave one more look at the Stargate with its iris covering it, and walked out. He felt an unnatural kinship to Rodney McKay, and knew he wasn't going to be sleeping for a while.

The next day, when the miraculous report of how Rodney had just appeared in the middle of the Atlantis infirmary, still dressed in his BDUs from the last disastrous mission, Daniel wasn't surprised at all.


End file.
